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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26506573">Anxiety</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitigates/pseuds/mitigates'>mitigates</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Songfics [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akaashi is an anxious boi too, Anxiety, College AU, Depression, Friendship, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, KageHina - Freeform, Kageyama is an anxious boi, M/M, OCD, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Smart Kageyama, Songfic, mentioned bokuaka, mentioned kuroken, panic disorder, severe anxiety</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:32:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26506573</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitigates/pseuds/mitigates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the 20 seconds or so Kageyama spent analyzing their future hypothetical date, the girl had taken his lack of a response as a massive blow to her ego. She ran away crying and he just...ran away.</p><p>Or:<br/>Kageyama, his misadventures with anxiety, and the orange-haired boy that helped him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou &amp; Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Songfics [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Anxiety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>song: Anxiety - Julia Michaels &amp; Selena Gomez</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>My friends, they wanna take me to the movies</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I tell 'em to fuck off, I'm holding hands with my depression</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tobio Kageyama has anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had few friends and a lot of triggers, those two probably were related but he didn’t spend too much time dwelling on the idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had social anxiety which could be as mild as his face having a constant blush or as severe as the panic attack that put him in the hospital after he flubbed an English presentation his first month of college.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had your basic generalized anxiety disorder which really, for him, just meant a lot of doubt and concern surrounding basically every aspect of his life. It ranged from simple things like worrying if he had enough time to get from one class to the next before it started to more complex feelings of inferiority and overall distraught when it came to interacting with others.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had a panic disorder that helped most of his worries manifest into physical chest crushing pain. Sometimes he just felt a little lightheaded and dizzy, other times he literally could not breathe. His lips turned blue once, that was a hellish day in Statistics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had post-traumatic stress disorder which is probably where all of his other anxiety disorders stemmed from. That’s what he told himself anyway. It was easier to blame everything that he thought was wrong with him on some event that was too traumatic to even think about less he end up hiding under a desk again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And right when I think I've overcome it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anxiety starts kicking in to teach that shit a lesson</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had some light depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder that really meant he felt weighed down by something invisible most days and he had semi-frequent intrusive thoughts. He liked to think he was still in control though there were moments where he questioned </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His last day of his first year of college was one of those moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He unintentionally ruined the two (and only) friendships that he had let blossom over his second semester of his freshman year. He was lab partners with two different boys, Kunimi and Kindaichi. They had a presentation that they were assigned at the beginning of the semester that was due at the end of the semester and it counted for 25% of their grade.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had always been good at school. He was smart, he was meticulous, he enjoyed the serene silence of studying. Kindaichi was not smart, he was not meticulous, and he didn’t study. Kageyama accepted him as his lab partner despite that. Kunimi was quiet, borderline silent, and spent too much time sleeping to do much of anything else. Kageyama completed at least 60% of the project and unintentionally let the teacher know that on the last day of class. He received a perfect grade. Kunimi and Kindaichi were docked by half. Neither failed the class, but the C- they both earned solidified the ending of their friendship with Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kindaichi said something along the lines of them only hanging out with him because they wanted to get a good grade. Kunimi agreed in his own silent way by not saying anything against that statement and eventually leaving with Kindaichi. Kageyama felt bad, he didn’t mean to tell their professor but the TA overheard the three of them going over the presentation and Kageyama explaining all the different things that Kunimi and Kindaichi weren’t as familiar with (because they didn’t work on it or pay much attention when Kageyama did). The TA told their professor, the truth came out, and Kageyama was left to eat lunch alone that day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about the remnants of another friendship that he was avoiding in his next class: Advanced Composition. He sat next to a bright-haired boy who was the first to raise his hand and volunteer his answers as well as the last one to leave class because he liked to analyze everything. There was something alluring about how he socialized with everyone and it made Kageyama want to avoid him at all costs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, I try my best just to be social</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I make all these plans with friends and hope they call and cancel</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then I overthink about the things I'm missing</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Now I'm wishing I was with 'em</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he would see that same boy in the quad or near the coffee cart just easily conversing with </span>
  <em>
    <span>strangers</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Kageyama wondered how people did that. He fought back blush when he was forced to use anything other than self-checkout. He rehearsed the things he needed to say (please, thank you, plastic, have a good day) and panicked when a cashier wanted to do something other than give him back his change.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few days ago the girl he regularly saw at the 7-11 across from his dorms gave him her phone number and Kageyama froze. He looked down at the digits scribbled in sharpie and inadvertently narrowed his eyes. She ended up yelling at him and crying until her coworker had to finish his transaction. Kageyama didn’t mean to make her cry but all he could think about was all the possibilities that would happen if they did go out on a date. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who would pick who up? Would they go see a movie? What would they watch? What time would they go? What day would they go? Should he eat beforehand or was dinner afterward implied? Would he pay for both tickets? What if his card declined? Would they get snacks? Would he order the snacks? Was he supposed to know what to order for her? Where would they sit? If they did get snacks, who would hold the snacks? Would she want to talk during the movie? Would she be mad if he didn’t? Would they stay through the credits? Would she use the bathroom after? If she does, does he wait outside the bathroom, in the lobby, or outside of the theatre? Was he supposed to take her home? Wait...but who would pick who up?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the 20 seconds or so Kageyama spent analyzing their future hypothetical date, the girl had taken his lack of a response as a massive blow to her ego. She ran away crying and he just...ran away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama was going to have to find a new convenience store to go to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feel like I'm always apologizing for feeling</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like I'm out of my mind when I'm doing just fine</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat in the same spot as he always did, the second seat on the far left side of the classroom in his Advanced Composition class. He shifted as he waited for class to begin. The hurricane sprinted to his seat seconds before the professor started attendance and grinned at Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barely made it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama gave him a tight-lipped smile in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Professor Griffith decided in lieu of a final they were going to partner up and discuss their most recent paper in depth for the entire hour and a half block of class. Kageyama didn’t mind that so much but he didn’t think he could talk </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> much. However, his regular partner that was already turning his desk toward Kageyama absolutely could talk that long. Kageyama shifted his desk until the front of it tapped the desk of the boy across from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, do you know my name?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama froze. Of course he knew his- fuck, what is his name? Kageyama felt a weight settle against his neck as he stared down at his neatly stapled paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No worries! I wasn’t sure. I don’t know if I ever introduced myself and ya know, I’ve taken Griffith’s classes so many times that he doesn’t even call my name out- he just sees my hair and knows I’m here.” He held out his hand. “I’m-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hinata!” The words bursted from Kageyama’s mouth a tad higher than he would have liked. The slow burn of embarrassment started seeping in. He sunk into his chair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata wasn’t deterred. He grinned a smile that would rival the sun at the boy in front of him. “Yes! Wow! People never know my name. They just kinda remember the hair. That’s cool. You’re Kageyama, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama nodded, breathing heavy through his nose. “Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl sitting next to Kageyama was too close to him, leaning into his personal space enough that he felt her hot breath coat his shoulder when she asked the question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lina! Get your own partner!” Hinata kicked at her playfully and she retreated. He glanced at Kageyama and pushed his paper toward him. “Ready to read?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Read. He could read. Reading was something he enjoyed. Kageyama accepted the paper and inched his toward Hinata. “Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata grinned again and started scanning Kageyama’s paper. The classroom was filled with a mild hum of voices that was a bit louder than Kageyama would have liked. It made him feel itchy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata looked up at Kageyama a few minutes later and noticed he hadn’t moved past the cover page of the essay in front of him. He stood up abruptly and bounded toward the Professor. He spoke with wild hand movements, making the professor laugh out loud, nod, and wave Hinata away. Hinata moved back toward the desk and picked up his backpack then Kageyama’s paper. “Hey- wanna go somewhere cool?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama looked up and for some reason, nodded. He collected his things, Hinata’s paper, and followed Hinata into the Professor’s office that was attached to his classroom. Kageyama had been in the office before to discuss different writing themes with the professor. It was quiet and comfortable, smelling like freshly printed paper and old books.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we allowed to be in here?” Kageyama questioned as he settled onto the old leather couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. Griffith lets me come in here all the time to study. I hate the library, there’s nowhere private to go and people always sit by me and talk. It’s distracting.” Hinata sat on the other end of the couch, pulling a table close to prop his feet on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama concentrated on the paper he was reading. Their recent assignment was to analyze a criminal documentary that they watched using different literary devices. Hinata wrote about how the director used juxtaposition, reenactments, and motifs to swing the audiences into being on his side. He discussed the larger argument of the story, the idea that truth was someone one needs to search for rather than settle for and backed up his arguments by using the numerous non-linear acausal elements spread throughout the documentary. Kageyama flipped through page after page of proper in-text citation and compelling arguments. He discusses how the color red is a blatant motif in the film, something Kageyama himself didn't latch onto as well as Hinata did. The flashing red lights of the police car that began and ended the film, the main witness that turned out to be lying was wearing a red sweater, the judge that imprisoned an innocent man wore a red tie. His arguments about it being subtle but strong were too powerful for Kageyama to ignore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama read the last open-ended sentence of the conclusion and had zero constructive criticism because the paper was beyond fantastic. He glanced up quickly and Hinata was still going through his, only about halfway through the 16 page paper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama gripped Hinata’s paper in his hands rougher than he meant to until his hands started shaking. His paper was nowhere near as good as Hinata’s! He couldn’t believe that he thought he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>smart</span>
  </em>
  <span> especially compared to what he had just read. There were so many things that he didn’t even come close to picking up on that Hinata easily wrote about, finding arguments to support each and every once of his stances of the different aspects of the film.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama tried to control his breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 10.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 20.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 30.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 40.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 50.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted to 60.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He counted-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy smokes, Kageyama! This is SO GOOD! WOW! Seriously? You wrote this? Wow! Like- I don’t even-” Hinata started shuffling through the paper and pointed at a paragraph. “This entire- wow! This entire paragraph, do you-do you even know how good this is! Wow. I honestly feel bad that you had to read that shit I wrote. Gah- this is so good. This line here-” Hinata flipped a few more pages. “-about the deeper meaning being the non-linear storylines, about how audiences generally follow what’s in front of them- all of this. Wow! I thought it was going to be something you found via research or an article or something but it wasn’t cited because you wrote it! I can’t believe this. You’re so right, you know? People don’t trust it.” Hinata hummed to himself as he started rereading the paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama stopped counting and simply stared at Hinata. “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then I overthink about the things I'm missing</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Now I'm wishing I was with 'em</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They ended up talking about their papers for so long that the professor had to come kick them out of their office. Hinata spent 4 entire minutes fanboy-ing over Kageyama’s paper and asking the professor why he never used any of Kageyama’s work as an example for the class (Kageyama had previously asked the professor </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do this).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They gathered their things again and set out toward the setting sun. It was quiet between them, the overanalyzations of academic writing still flowing through their brains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They turned to each other at the same time and Hinata smiled. “Are you hungry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My dorm is near here and my roommate is super quiet. I have some frozen pizzas I can make us.” Hinata offered with another smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama nodded again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And my exes all say that I'm hard to deal with</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I admit it, yeah</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hinata’s roommate was indeed super quiet. His name was Akaashi and he didn’t acknowledge their presence with anything more than a nod and cursory glance in their direction. He went right back to the thick book he seemed to be reading for pleasure (since classes were over). Kageyama sat on their couch and couldn’t help but wonder if they got along because Hinata was...loud and Akaashi was not. Hinata seemed outgoing but judging by the overstuffed bookshelf and how worn the covers were, Akaashi seemed like he would prefer a night in over anything else. Hinata was moving all around the small dorm, talking with his mouth as well as his hands. Kageyama simply nodded and listened to Hinata talk about how happy he was that classes were over. He peeked at Akaashi to gauge his reaction to the Energizer Bunny metaphorically hopping around their living room but Akaashi simply turned the page of his novel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you hungry, Kageyama? Or thirsty?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata hopped toward their small kitchen and squatted in front of their fridge. “Let’s see… do you like… milk? I think all we have is milk. We have- oh, there’s leftover pizza. Do you want that? We can have that. Let’s have that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata warmed up pizza and poured a small glass for his guest, putting the greasy slices on paper plates then settling them on the coffee table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Kageyama. Are you going to see your family over break?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama frowned slightly. “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh that sucks. I wanted to go see my mom and sister, but I just can’t afford it this winter. I’m going to hole up here with Akaashi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bokuto is coming too.” Akaashi interjected with a flip of his novel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh YES!” Hinata pumped his fist in the air. “I love Bokuto. He’s Akaashi’s boyfr- wait-” Hinata leaned toward Kageyama and the latter found him accepting the loud boy into his personal space. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Akaashi is- well...he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Um… I am too but- is that okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows together and nodded. It perturbed him that there were still people out there that didn’t think it was okay. “That’s fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata let out a long sigh of relief, clutching his chest. “Great! We are all gay here. Anyway- he’s Akaashi’s boyfriend and he’s my best friend. He lives across the hall with his roommate Kuroo. He’s cool too. He’s gay too. Or well, I actually think he’s bi. He has a boyfriend that lives there too, he’s small like me so he doesn’t take up much space-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata continued discussing the deep personal details of his life and the lives around him and Kageyama couldn’t help but wonder again how it was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>easy</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But all my friends, they don't know what it's like, what it's like</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They don't understand why I can't sleep through the night</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I've been told that I could take something to fix it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you so extroverted?” Kageyama blurted out. Hinta’s smile faded slightly and Akaashi looked up from his book. Kageyama swallowed thickly and turned his head toward the floor. “S-sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t- I didn’t mean-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Kageyama.” Hinata reassured him before the blush spread too far. Kageyama met his light brown eyes. “It’s my coping mechanism. I studied psychology for a while and I learned all the different things different people do to cope with trauma and it’s weird how the brain works, ya know? There’s some people, like Akaashi here, that are introverts and they bury themself in themself and they don’t really branch out from that. Akaashi and I have talked about it a lot. He has pretty bad social anxiety so he doesn’t leave the room much. I think I on the other hand, uh- well, I like to surround myself with people. I like to make people laugh and smile and I love making new friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama nodded in understanding. He’d studied the same things, the ins and outs of how the different areas of the brain worked. He found himself focusing on one word Hinata said: </span>
  <em>
    <span>trauma</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t have anything detrimental happen to me, I didn’t have some life changing experience, I wasn’t abused or any of those other cliche reasons people like to throw my way when they psychoanalyze me.” Akaashi shrugged as he set his book in his lap. “I was always this way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” Kageyama said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi tilted his head curiously. “You are easy to talk to. Alike minds connect, I suppose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata nodded happily. “He’s super easy to talk to. He was the best partner in 124.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama stared at Hinata to see if he was being sarcastic but he didn’t seem to be. He was genuinely saying that Kageyama was not only easy to talk to and a good partner, but he was insinuating that the two of them might even be friends. Kageyama found himself frowning as he realized he spent an entire semester sitting next to someone who he didn’t even realize knew his name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it. Happens to me too.” Akaashi said the words quietly but Kageyama knew they were directed toward him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s Bokuto like?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi snorted. “He’s like Hinata but more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just...more.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Always wanted to be one of those people in the room</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That says something and everyone puts their hand up</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kageyama spent the majority of his winter break hanging out with Hinata and Akaashi. He had become close with Akaashi as well as Kuroo’s boyfriend Kenma. The three of them were different variations of the same person and Kageyama found that endlessly comforting. The other two seemed to as well. It was even more interesting because Bokuto, Kuroo, and Hinata were also different variations of the exact opposite kind of person. Their ragtag group somehow meshed together quite well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like, "If you're sad put your hand up</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you hate someone, put your hand up</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you're scared, put your hand up"</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least they did until an impromptu party in the dorms that nobody warned Kageyama about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi and Kenma had been gone for separate weekend trips with their families. Kageyama was having trouble deciding between two different classes, should he take the earlier one of the later one? He liked early classes, he liked being up in the morning and experiencing the firsts of the day. However, it would be nice to sleep in for once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama didn’t hear the obnoxious music that was loud enough to make the floors vibrate. He simply noticed there were people crowded around the elevator so he took the stairs to the fifth floor. He didn’t notice what was going on until he opened the door to their floor. Hinata and Akaashi’s room was the first one on the left. Kageyama froze when he pushed the door open and was greeted with several people giggling around their red rimmed plastic cups. There was a slip-n-slide set up in the hallway that was covered in what smelled like baby oil. There were beer pong tables smooshed between doors, forcing you to go under them in order to get down the hall. Kageyama still hadn’t moved when a group pushed their way into the hall from behind him, moving him further into the chaos. He couldn’t hear the music or the giggles or the clinking bottles or the sloshing of alcohol, all he could hear was his heartbeat and it was too erratic to count. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Granted, Kageyama didn’t tell Hinata he was coming over. He hadn’t planned to, but he was so frustrated after talking with the counselor that his legs just took him to Hinata’s place. It was automatic so Hinata couldn’t be blamed at all for not warning him to stay home. Kageyama was pushed around several more times before he finally collapsed to his hands and knees. Nobody paid him a second look, assuming he was just another freshman who couldn’t handle their tequila. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama tried to count to 10 but struggled after 4.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to count to 20 but struggled after 3.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to count to 30 but struggled after 2.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to count to 40 but struggled after 1-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama?” A soft voice penetrated the overwhelming sound of his heartbeat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama still couldn’t bring himself to look up. He was clutching his chest that felt like it was slowly being filled with cement, the soft mixture turning his blood to stone. His breaths were coming in short sporadic pants, heavy and thick. He was crying silently, tears slapping against the wooden floor without pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama.” The voice repeated but Kageyama still couldn’t move. There was a lot of yelling that Kageyama easily tuned out. Then he was being lifted. He didn’t know who was lifting him because his eyes were too heavy to keep open. There was more yelling. The thumping stopped. Then it was just cold. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feel like I'm always apologizing for feeling</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like I'm out of my mind when I'm doing just fine</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kageyama slept for 26 hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally opened his eyes, it was still cold. At least it was on his left side. His right side was heated to a high degree. He groggily turned his head and found an orange puff of hair in his face. Hinata was clinging to his right side. Kageyama was on his back and Hinata’s arm was flung across his midsection, lightly gripping the sleeve of his shoulder. His leg was also flung over Kageyama’s, settled between his knees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama lightly cleared his throat and Hinata’s head shot up. “Oh, hey.” Hinata yawned and laid his head back against Kageyama’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama didn’t even remember going to Hinata’s house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Kageyama questioned quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Akaashi said you had a panic attack.” Hinata responded, just as quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Akaashi was there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata shook his head. “I called him after you fell asleep. Kuroo carried you in here. We shut the party down. It was getting a little out of hand anyway. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I would have known you planned to come over. I wouldn’t have let the party get so loud.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why was he apologizing? He didn’t have anything to apologize for. Kageyama looked at the ceiling and counted the stick on glowing stars above Hinata’s bed. “Um- can I ask- why are you, uh… you know.” Kageyama shifted his right arm slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata scooted away from Kageyama who almost whined at the loss of warmth. “You were shaking a lot. I thought you were cold but you only shook when I wasn’t touching you. I didn’t mean to invade your personal space but I kind of fell asleep. I sleep like a starfish sometimes, I’ve been told I’m clingy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By who, your boyfriend?” Being around Hinata made Kageyama comfortable enough to blurt things out that he normally wouldn’t at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata chuckled. “No. I fell asleep in Akaashi’s bed once and he didn’t want to sleep in mine. He told me I was a hugger in my sleep. He woke me up in the middle of the night and kicked me out.” Hinata scratched his chin lightly at the memory as he looked up at Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama chewed his lip as he started recounting the stars. “I like the stars up there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata rolled onto his back and looked up at them. “Me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have a boyfriend, Kageyama?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have a girlfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like girls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shared a comfortable moment of silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it okay that I ask you questions like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I call you Tobio?” Kageyama stilled at Hinata’s question but quickly realized it was a conditioned reaction, not something voluntary that he could avoid. “Oh, no- I mean, I don’t have to. I’m sorry! I just like it-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can.” Kageyama cleared his throat quietly. “Just like, here, ya know? Not out there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can call me Shouyou if you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou.” Kageyama whispered the name into the air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” A beat of silence. “I’ve had a couple. I dated a guy in high school but he was kind of mean. He didn’t really understand my-my </span>
  <em>
    <span>situation</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I dated someone my last year of high school and he was kind of the same way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And my exes all say that I'm hard to deal with</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I admit it, it's true</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s dumb. How are you supposed to help it? You can’t help who you are. You do the best you can.” Hinata threw his hands in the air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama held his breath and his tears back. Hinata would never begin to know what those soft words spoken to him that night meant. How much they meant. The weight that they carried. “Thanks, Shouyou.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata yawned and rolled onto his side. “I’m gonna sleep for a little longer if that’s okay. It’s pretty late still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama turned to face him. “Okay. I will too.” Kageyama studied Hinata the moments after his eyes fluttered shut. He still had a young face, his age softened by his bright hair, light eyes, and constant look of wonder that flitted across his face. His hair was a little longer than it had been at the beginning of the school year and Kageyama was surprised he knew that. He must have been subconsciously paying attention to the boy, at the very least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleep didn’t come easy to Kageyama when he wasn’t in a disgusting state of absolute panic. He laid there, counting the stars until his eyelids started to grow heavy. He finally closed them just to be jolted awake by the lack of quiet in his head. He turned to look at Hinata again and felt an instant intense sense of relaxation wash over him as he counted Hinata’s breaths. His lips were slightly parted and the hand he was sleeping on was squishing his cheek upward, scrunching one of his eyelids. Hinata murmured something and stretched his arm out until it was around Kageyama’s torso. He pulled himself against Kageyama in his sleep and finally stopped moving when his head was under Kageyama’s chin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama fell asleep in seconds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But all my friends, they don't know what it's like, what it's like</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They don't understand why I can't sleep through the night</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I thought that I could take something to fix it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kageyama, with Hinata’s help, contacted the only other friends he had made so far in college. They agreed to meet and before Kageyama could say anything they both profusely apologized.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kindaichi apologized for yelling at him and calling him weird (even though Kageyama had no recollection of either incident).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kunimi apologized for sleeping through their entire project and also thanked Kageyama for the measly C grade he was able to pull off after remembering at least a few of the things that they studied together</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama sat and listened and kept glancing at Hinata who nodded every now and then even though he was pretending to be reading a book as he let Kageyama handle his own conversation. Kageyama had never felt as secure as he did when Hinata was there with him. From things as simple as going back to the 7-11 that he had abandoned to things more complex like calling and making a doctor’s appointment. Those kinds of things should really be available online. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama let Hinata fully infiltrate his life and even without him, he felt infinitely less stressed doing things on his own. Hinata offered his own coping mechanisms for things that he couldn’t otherwise control (none of them helped of course because they had vastly different personalities but the gesture was meaningful and Kageyama appreciated it nonetheless).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I got all these thoughts, running through my mind</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All the damn time and I can't seem to shut it off</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I think I'm doing fine most of the time</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Join our lovely Fanfiction Corner Discord &lt;3<br/>https://discord.gg/n7cnCR4</p></blockquote></div></div>
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